Of the people involved, the study cited In "Hidden Voices," more respondents reported being estranged from mothers than from fathers or from both parents. More parents reported being estranged from daughters than from sons. Interestingly, however, estrangement from male family members tended to be longer lasting than estrangement from female family members.
People estranged from their mothers also cited mental health problems, while those estranged from fathers more often cited a traumatic family event.
Parents estranged from daughters also reported mental health problems and emotional abuse , whereas those estranged from sons reported issues relating to marriage and in-laws. Among the more than participants in the "Hidden Voices" report, estrangement from fathers averaged 7. Parents reported estrangements from sons lasting an average of 5. Relationship breakdowns were more likely to be intermittent with female relatives than with male relatives.
A similar pattern was observed with daughters and sons. The "Hidden Voices" findings are consistent with research about woman-to-woman conflict. Of course, there are individual differences that are involved with estrangement but the possibility of gender variations may be related to conflict-resolution styles. In a conflict, males tend to employ a "fight or flight" strategy, and family conflict often results in the "flight" option, meaning that males often withdraw from the conflict.
Because men may refuse to engage, the estrangement tends to be long-lasting and intractable. Women under pressure, on the other hand, may more often have a "tend and befriend" pattern. They may deal with stress by seeking closeness with others. So if they forsake a relationship with a relative, they may feel a lot of pressure to re-establish the relationship.
Adult children are more likely to initiate a break of contact with their parents and be less open to reconciliation. It reported that parents stopped communicating with their children because of relationships outside of the family as well as situational or family stressors. For children, a parent's lack of support, toxic behavior, or inability to accept them were the main reasons for estrangement. When discussing generational differences in reasons for estrangement, it's also worth exploring the concept of family circles.
Parents' bonds with their children are commonly the strongest familial bonds they form, and many times, parental bonds prove to be stronger than attachments to partners or spouses. Children, on the other hand, while likely to have strong bonds with their parents, may themselves become parents, and their bonds with their children may supplant those with their own parents.
For many parents, their children are in their primary circle. But when adult children have children of their own, their parents may be relegated to a secondary circle. In a sense, the parent's loss is objectively greater. Estrangement from adult children usually means a loss of contact with grandchildren, too.
Alienation from grandchildren brings its own emotional toll. According to the research, adult children may often find it more difficult or impossible to reconcile with their parents, but they are still usually willing to give their parents another chance.
It's up to estranged parents, who are commonly more open to reconciliation, to make those chances count. When questioned about what they wanted from their parents in the "Hidden Voices" study, adult children said they wanted relationships that are:. In addition, adult children wished their mothers would be less critical and judgmental; they wanted their mothers to acknowledge when they have engaged in hurtful behavior.
Adult children also wished that their fathers would take more interest in their lives. They wanted them to stand up to other family members, including their spouses or partners. If you'd like to try and move forward in your relationships, keep these tips in mind. Whether by choice or by circumstance, family estrangement can be complex and painful. It can also be isolating, as it may be hard for others to understand. Whether the steps forward include learning to live without that familial connection or seeking to reconcile, individual or family therapy can be helpful to sort out difficult feelings related to relationships with your family members.
Get expert tips to help your kids stay healthy and happy. American Pscyhological Association. APA Dictionary of Psychology. Scharp K. But it is common. Research by Stand Alone , a UK charity that supports people who are estranged from relatives, suggests that estrangement affects at least one in five British families.
Stand Alone founder Becca Bland, who has personal experience of estrangement as she has no contact with her parents, has also noticed that the topic is much more discussed now than it was even five years ago. This is borne out by Google Trends data showing steady growth in people searching for estrangement-related terms, primarily in Canada, Australia and Singapore. The Duchess of Sussex, who in was the most Googled person in the UK and second most Googled person in the US , has driven recent conversation around complex families due to her own difficult relationship with her father.
Celebrity gossip can be a useful way for ordinary people to process and explain their own life experiences. One factor seems to be whether a government offers strong support to residents. In countries with robust welfare systems, people simply need their families less — giving them more choice over whether to maintain ties.
In Europe, for instance, older parents and adult children tend to interact more and live closer to each other in countries further south , where public assistance is more limited. Financial factors also intersect with other factors, such as education and race.
In Germany, higher education levels of adult children are associated with higher rates of conflict with their parents. One theory is that highly educated family members are likely to be more geographically mobile, and less likely to need each other financially. The research of Megan Gilligan and colleagues, on caregiving-related conflict in US families, has shown racial differences in the experiences of adult children.
But it can be difficult to separate out the influences of culture and class. Ugandan families have traditionally been large and extended — which proved crucial in recent decades as family members stepped in to care for people orphaned or devastated by civil war or Aids.
But Wandera says that as families get smaller and more nuclear, and as urbanisation increases, the prevalence of estrangement is likely to rise. But Wandera expects change within 20 years or so.
Divorce contributes to the loss of family relationships, especially with fathers. So do secrets. The abandonment of relatives with marginalised identities is also a common factor, such as family rejection of sexual and gender minorities in Vietnam.
But estrangement is often quiet and undramatic. Still, even if the triggers seem trivial, they reflect long-lived tension. Why do people break contact with their family? Family estrangement or disownment is a complicated process. Each person in our community has their own unique set of reasons for cutting contact or experiencing rejection from a family unit.
Some of our community members have been distanced because of a lifestyle choice, their sexuality, a gender choice, disagreements over money, religious differences, marrying someone from a different background, or not behaving to the satisfaction of their core family members. Family estrangement can be common for families with strong and rigid religious beliefs, where younger generations often feel conflicted about their cultural heritage and make decisions that are not seen favourably or are accepted by their extended family.
People in our community also tell us they chose to become estranged after occasions such as a wedding, a death in the family or a bad Christmas. These people often felt their family could not work through the intense feelings of hurt and painful memories associated with something that happened on these occasions.
Some people become estranged from their family because their family has been emotionally, physically or sexually abusive during childhood or beyond. This can unfortunately also apply to other family members who may not have believed you, or were aware of the abuse but did not have the capacity to help you with the problem. For many in our community, estrangement may begin when someone speaks about the abuse or tries to heal the hurt caused.
Family members who are experiencing the symptoms of mental health difficulties, which are often not acknowledged or treated, are referenced in our community. If your parents become re- married, this could again alter how you feel towards your family of origin. There are, of course, many other reasons why you may feel a relationship is untenable.
And the points above are in no way exhaustive. But whatever your circumstances, people often speak of the sadness of not being able to take part in the concept of family togetherness that is seen to be at the heart of society. What do adult children in our community feel? Let down, sad, angry, worried, anxious, forgotten, insignificant, bullied, intimidated, traumatised, blamed, cut adrift, tormented, insecure, stigmatised, rejected, vilified, scapegoated, abused, isolated, exhausted, hurt, guilty, manipulated, heartbroken, relieved, lost, uprooted, jealous.
Our community tell us that they often feel very wary of others, their intentions, and worried if their love and friendship can really be long lasting. This can lead to rumination on the negative aspects of relationships, instead of enjoying and believing in the positive and nurturing feeling of companionship.
It may be very hard for you to let go and share information about your estrangement with friends, partners and work colleagues for fear of being judged. You can find help with these aspects of estrangement from a therapist or counsellor, who can help you create goals and objectives to address trust in other relationships. However, working with the belief that not everyone in society will let you down in the same way as your family of origin is a necessary component for healing from estrangement.
If this belief is missing, the feelings associated with estrangement could lead you to withdraw from all relationships, which can put you at risk of feeling isolated and lonely. How do I adjust to my estrangement? Making the decision to become estranged from your family may alleviate some of the instant emotional pain, and people in our community often say that they feel relieved when they first distance themselves from their dysfunctional family dynamic.
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