As an Affair Recovery Specialist, I work with couples whose affairs consist of a one night stand to ones that continued for more than a decade. Affair recovery is three steps forward and two steps backward until enough time goes by for stability. I have successfully worked with couples on both ends of the spectrum with much success. Being able to save your relationship rests on your desire to want to.
That, coupled with affair recovery with me, can make that happen. After four weeks in lockdown, Leo tells me his relationship with his wife has deteriorated further. She is, understandably, anxious and needy. The kids have cabin fever. There is less intimacy he is calling on a suburban street, after all. Instead we show our love through psychological support and fantasies about our eventual reunion.
As for the virus, Leo is a healthy man in his late 40s. But I do worry; if he became ill, I have no idea how I would find out — except from the radio silence.
If the very worst happened, I would be that mysterious woman you see in the movies, lurking at the back of a graveyard with big sunglasses and a black trenchcoat. This is what happens when a person with an overactive imagination goes into lockdown.
The toughest thing is the sense of powerlessness that comes with most of our communication flowing only one way. Today, when Leo finally calls just before 6pm, any irritation evaporates — partly in relief, partly in empathy.
The question is: do I want to keep putting myself through this? And who knows how things will be when we get back to normal. These emotions are normal- aim to accept and embrace them. That said, try to avoid making snap judgments right now. You may be highly vulnerable, reactive, and prone to making poor choices.
Instead, pause. Reach out for support. Talk with trusted friends. If you were the cheating partner, you should also avoid impulsive decisions. But there can be profound power in simply pausing.
You might desperately want to lash out and attack the other person. This urge is normal. Most people want to give their partners the benefit of the doubt. They hope to believe that their partner was taken advantage of by someone else. This cognitive dissonance allows you to channel your anger at this other person- rather than your partner directly.
But your partner is responsible for their actions. No matter the motives, they chose to be with this other person. Reaching out will only cause more stress and heartache and ultimately delay the healing process. The main ingredient in healing this breach is empathy. In healthy relationships, empathy is a critical component of connection. Like Bilek states, the betraying partner must be willing to attune to how their partner might be feeling.
This experience can, of course, be painful. Leaning into their emotion- and embracing it- requires immense vulnerability. The betraying partner must be willing to hold themselves accountable. They need to listen openly without judgment, defensiveness, or rationalization.
They must be willing to give their partner ample time to process what happened. You cannot just assume that you can heal after one month, six months, or even one year.
When it comes to rebuilding trust after an affair, no timetable can be given. Healing and forgiveness look different to every couple. Be ready to give all access, as rebuilding trust will take a lot of time. What changes do you still need to make? What do you need from your partner? What steps can you take together to continue moving in the right direction?
If you want your marriage to work, couples counseling can help you process the affair and your individual needs. Therapy offers safe, structured support designed to help you heal. Many couples therapists have extensive training in working with infidelity.
When meeting with prospective therapists, you should consider asking:. Some couples who remain on the fence about their marriage opt to start with discernment counseling. Discernment counseling helps both partners decide if they want to end the marriage or commit to working on it.
If your partner does not want to attend therapy, you can still benefit by meeting with an individual therapist. They can provide you with resources, guidance, and practical coping skills for how to move forward. Besides ending the affair, what do you need from your partner? What do they need from you? These questions can be hard to answer, but you must start asking them. Affairs can erode even basic trust, and if you want your marriage to survive, you both must actively work to restore it.
This process takes time and conscious effort. Do you need more intimacy? Do you want to have healthier communication with explicit boundaries? Do you require that your spouse allows you access to their passwords or technology? Often, a cheater will project their own dissatisfaction or unhappiness onto their partner, blaming their partner for not living up to their expectations.
Take, for instance, a cheater who no longer finds their partner physically attractive. Instead of simply communicating their dissatisfaction and working toward resolving it, they secretly blame the victim and use that as an excuse to continue their longer-term affair. When a cheater begins a longer-term affair, they might feel validated by the person they are cheating with.
This feeling of being loved and appreciated is intoxicating, leading them to crave more of it and dragging on the affair. They might start demanding things of the cheater, such as more time together or material gifts. Serial cheaters are cheaters who continuously cheat on their spouse. Serial cheating can involve a number of one-night stands or even multiple longer-term affairs.
Most of the time, serial cheaters have no emotional investment in anyone but themselves. They seek pleasure at any cost, even if it lasts only for a few minutes. Serial cheaters are narcissists who may lean toward sociopathy.
This type of person tends to be insecure about his or her sexual prowess and requires constant reinforcement. A warm body, any warm body, provides the means to get through the night. Serial cheaters do not feel guilt as other cheaters may.
They tend to be manipulative and are able to convince themselves that they are doing nothing wrong.
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